Being me.

I have lost some friends this year. I don’t understand how. I feel great sadness about the dissolving of these friendships. One in particular is a childhood friend. It feels like I am grieving. First comes sadness, followed by anger. Then regret.

I have tried to break things down, to better understand what happened and how I can stop this from happening again. I go through phases of hurt and it all becomes too much. I want it resolved, but the feeling I get is blank. Confusion. Frustration.

I read an article written by a woman who was going through something similar. She turned to a friend for help. Her friend told her that is wasn’t about her. That it is not about you and her. That it is about the truth and trusting in what you know to be true for you. The penny dropped for me. My whole life I have only known something was real when I had someone else confirm it for me. By having it confirmed by a friend, mean’t it had to be true. Well thats what I thought. I am a loyal person. Persistent, conscientious and I pride myself in maintaining friendships as best as I can. I have finally learnt how to say no. This wasn’t easy to learn.

I have now given myself permission to step away. I have not done this before. Confidently. Comfortable in the knowledge that it is my choice and that it doesn’t need to be validated by anyone other than myself. I have spent a lot of time trying to understand people. I LOVE people. I wonder why they do the things they do. I try to accept them for who they are, to understand what they are about. I have such a high level of expectation of myself. I place a large amount of pressure on everything I do. I beat myself up for the simplest things. I compare myself to my friends and I battle with this daily. Am I good enough for them? Am I good enough for me?

I am finding out now that it’s me, hurting me. It’s the truth. I know now that some people just aren’t a match. And when I learn this about someone I let them go. I am not putting them down. I am not criticising or judging them. I am simply stepping away and trusting in myself that I have made the right decision. I have made my circle small. My friend explained to me that I am no longer weighed down by the encumbrance of people that I don’t need to feel happy and loved. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life not realising this.

It’s a wonderful thing to find a way to express myself. “Aisha” came to me one day while I was looking out my window at the chickens in my garden. I had an urge to create a character who represented myself. In a positive and thought provoking way. I draw each morning and most days post my illustration and a message on Instagram. It’s so crazy how many people relate to Aisha. Me. Me and You.